Thursday, June 11, 2009

My Path

We've all had our ups and downs in life now haven't we? Some more than others. What has been ringing true to me lately is we're all in this together. I'm on my path, you're on yours. But in the end, the more we can help one another the easier life seems. So if that's true why is it so hard to ask for help? When things seem to veer off my path of happiness, little voices ring in my ears. "Just get it done" "Make it happen" "You can do it" "You don't need anyone's help""Don't burden anyone" and so on. I decided to ask for help and in the past few weeks I have been digging deep into my soul. With that have seemed to have stirred up some interesting stuff that needed to be addressed. Things that have plagued me my whole life. Made me angry, sad, fearful, insecure and have left me paralyzed in many situations that most people would just blow off and say "Well that was so and so's fault" or "Its not me, its him, her or them" .
Well. The truth is. It is high time I face myself in the mirror and recognize that person or those people I blame for making me feel this way or that way is ..........ME.
I have decided to accept responsibility for my own actions in my life. How I talk to people, treat people and how I proceed from here on. Yesterday was the first day where I woke up knowing their was an elephant in the room that I could no longer ignore. The elephant in the room is my past. Lemme tell ya.........Its one big fucking elephant! So I see it now and as of yesterday I am facing it head on. Not trying to go around it, above it or over it. Just face it. By saying "IT" I am saying its time to face MYSELF.
This is uncharted territory for me. Ive taken seminars, read countless, and I mean countless books on self help etc, had counseling and talked so many friends ears off I am surprised they can still wear earrings! With all of the help and work I believed I had done on myself what I didn't realize was I was working on more obvious things or rather things that were EASILY worked on from the surface. But to really feel good about myself and who I am I had to take measures to dive deeper and drum up the muck.
What's made me recognize most of this is that in a few days I'll be turning 40, my daughter is about to turn 16 and I've met someone that is worth me taking at look at who I really am. He's made me want to be a better person. When he and I re-connected a few months ago I was so sure I was in a great place in my life. I swore up and down that I am not one of those crazy chicks full of drama, baggage or whatever else all chicks seem to feed off of.
HA! Was I wrong. I've realized so much about myself these past weeks that it was hard to not see that I am far from finished with my so called WORK on myself. The WORK is just beginning. I guess life is always a work in progress. (Maybe I should make a shirt that says that!) So I'm turning 40, Keir is turning 16 and I have a great guy in my life that deserves to be treated with kindness, love and respect.
This is where I begin my new path. Today I give myself a brownie button for taking this step in the right direction.
I know the work ahead will be hard, uncomfortable at times and a little scary but I'm ready and willing to do the work so I can live in the present moment. My gift to myself is acceptance. Acceptance of where I am today. Ive begun a new journey. On a path filled with pretty trees, plants, flowers and hope. I have proved I am a survivor and I take ownership of my emotions, intentions and truth. I see the elephant and today he seems a little smaller than yesterday. Hopefully everyday he is shrinking until one day the elephant is no more.
That will be a good day.


Melissa said...

Oh goodness..this is SO're ripping your soul out and starting over..THAT is beauty at it's finest. So many people will never go this deep and find out who they truly are. Kudos and cheers and brownie points to you my bun of a friend that you are not the norm and are choosing to dig deep and be the best angi pangi sand hands you can be. I love you dearly.
Hang in there and know that you ALWAYS, ALWAYS have lots of love and support in me.
Mellie Mel Julep Head

pinksundrops said...

You're posts are all so very zen... just like your name. Enlightening. It's awesome that you can see that in yourself and define it so specifically!

linda said...

Good Blog!! Yes, the process is not over until God takes you home. We are all works in progress. Because if we start out perfect, where do we go? When He is done withus, and we go to Heaven, we get all the answers. That is the beauty of it. It is the adventure of "getting there" that keeps us excited in life. Love you.. Linda